Coachella 2016

coachella

Coachella is nothing but a tacky, poser-fest filled with narcissistic teenagers, all who seem to fed with a be- jeweled silver spoon. These kind of comments flow thick and fast from all corners of the internet at this time of year. After attending the festival for the second time I feel educated enough to say that these snarky remarks come from those who have probably never attended the festival themselves. The words they have written are fueled by a severe case of FOMO. It’s easy to tear into anything associated with Kardashians, the recklessly wealthy and god awful flower crowns but I want to provide you a truthful account of what I believe is one of the best three day events on the planet. If you have attended Coachella and not had the time of your life then you are either without a sole or stupidly snorted your way into a K-hole at the expense of your parent’s Amex.

To actually attend Coachella is not an easy task. For anyone living on the lower part of the globe the process begins at around 4am on a cold May morning when the tickets go on sale. If you hit the snooze button and sleep for an extra 20 minutes then you’ll be devastated to find you are too late, all 200,00 tickets will be sold out.

Then there is the cost. It’s around $550AUD for a ticket. If you’re staying in a hotel expect to shell out at least another $500 and I’m not even going to mention the price of flights to get your ass all the way to the U.S of A. This festival has already destroyed your bank account and it’s more than six months before the line up is even announced. This is when you’ll start to question what you’ve gotten yourself into.

Fast forward 11 months and all those worries would have melted away in the 40-degree heat of the Coachella desert. If your sensible like me you’ll be sipping a gin and tonic at the edge of your glamorous resort pool. If you’re stupid you may still be questioning your decision as you try to figure our how to camp in a very hot, very dry and dusty desert.

Coachella

Personally, I attend this festival for two (rather contrasting) reasons: The fashion and the music. In preparation for Coachella I put a great deal of thought into how to combine practicality with style in order to give the impression I am trendsetter and not a follower. Although I wasn’t the best dressed you certainly wouldn’t find a flower on my crown, not a metallic tattoo anywhere near my body and certainly no culturally insensitive headdress or any kind causing a river of sweat to make my bindy slide down my nose. Instead I mix of ironically branded All Blacks gear (its a thing) and bold colored blouses designed for over weight, retired women.

Coachella 2016

The Highlights

Without a doubt the music was the best thing about Coachella this year. With tickets being as expensive as they were the organizers can basically choose whomever they want to feature on the lineup. Even purchasing a ticket without knowing who you are going to see you can pretty much guarantee there will be at least one artist to make it worth your while. 2016 was no exception with likes of LCD Sound System, Sia, Shamir, Grimes and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero’s. That huge fee I paid for my ticket was suddenly worth every cent.

The Lowlights

Although I have stated that Coachella is one of the worlds best events it has certainly made me develope a new hatred towards the human race and the repulsive connection they have to their mobile devices. Example: I pushed and prodded my way to the front for Sia`s absolutely incredible performance. She had amazing guests, vocals, dancers and an intense multimedia presentation going on. The absolute tosser in front of me took (without exaggeration) 800 photos on her phone. Instead of watching this mind-blowing set with her eyes she watched through the lens of her shitty LG smart phone. What made it worse is that of those 800 photos, 400 were selfies. And even worse than that? Whilst standing there with Sia belting out Chandelier a few meters in front of her she was uploading these images to Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram being careful not to miss any appropriate hashtags #putyourfuckingphoneaway

Coachella 2016

The Weirdlights

It seemed a touch weird that Calvin Harris was picked as the act to close the festival. I mean he may be the highest earning musician in The U.K but this jerk is nothing more than a USB stick loaded with top 40 hits. He played Adele, Rihanna and Daft Punk. If I wanted to dance to that sort of music then I could have simply headed to the closest, grossest bar to my house back home. I don’t understand how someone that displayed no talent whatsoever can close one of the world’s biggest festivals.

Even though Coachella has left me broke, angry at the human race and a throat full of desert dust I regret nothing. Coachella is something every music, festival and party lover should attend. There is certainly nothing like it.

Coachella 2016

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